We Wore Black

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. One moment you are crying and the next you are laughing with wonderful memories. My grandma was a wonderful women who lived her life as a house maker,  who was married to grandpa for 65 years(!!!),  raised her children and was a wonderful grandmother and great-grandma.

Grandma Hold me as a newborn

While I didn't know her the best or the longest, I knew her as a grandmother.  Having that for 24 years have been a blessing and now I have wonderful memories to hold onto.

1. Food

No matter what time of day you would visit grandma and grandpa's house,  you would always leave with a full stomach.

Small boxes of cereal - whenever we would spend the night at the grandparent's house we would wake up to picking out one of the small cereal boxes grandma would have sitting out. It wouldn't be spending the night we would get a delicious sugary cereal in the morning.

Popcorn puffs & sun chips - when playing any game you would only be able to go one round and grandma would be pulling out the plastic pink bowls to be filled with popcorn puffs or some original flavored sun chips. While at first people would say that they weren't hungry (usually because it was right after dinner) but it wouldn't take too long for those bowls to be passed around and quickly would be empty.

Ice cream and brownies - after cards and before you leave,  it was always a good time to pull the brownies or cookies out of the freezer (usually pulled out earlier to warm up) the big container of vanilla ice cream,  and sometimes other flavors, and the chocolate syrup. If you finished your bowl,  you would be asked to

take another brownie or cookie (couldn't dare put them back in the freezer)

2. A&W

Usually when visiting Grandma and Grandpa's one of the places we would usually go to,  especially when we were growing up,  dinner would likely be at A&W where Grandpa would always get root beer float and Grandma would always get a bite or two near the top of glass. Growing up the younger kids would play in the corner with the toys while we waited for the food (when they moved the play area from one corner to the other,  we were a bit jarred). We were always excited to get the small toy in our bags once we finished our food.

3. 5 Crowns & tri-ominos

Playing games around the dinner table at Grandpa and Grandma's were always a norm when visiting.  We would play tri-ominos and Grandma & Grandpa would always find the bridges or the last piece to the circle. It was hard to beat either of them.  When we started to play a new game Nickle Nickle (later 5 crowns - but we would still say "nickle nickle").  Winning was still difficult because Grandma would have 7 points after six rounds and the rest of us would have scores in the 60's (or higher).  Over the years you knew Grandma was doing well still when she could beat your butt at 5 Crowns.

Grandpa, me and Grandma after 8th Grade Graduation

4. Birthday cards

In the past years, it wasn't a gift I was looking forward to, it was a card that you would get in the mail a day or so before your birthday.  It would be a card that inside you would see Grandma's handwriting saying: "Love, Grandma and Grandpa"

Grandma and Grandpa with me at First Communion

Those simple words that I know were getting hard for her to write (writing "Mom and Dad" were much easier on her), but every birthday you would get a card that would be from Grandma and Grandpa.  When I got home from work the day Grandma died, I still had my birthday cards sitting out.  Having that simple piece of card stock meant the world to me at that moment, more than ever before.  The other cards have been packed away, but that one is still sitting out.  And I think I will keep it there for awhile.

5. Being there for grandchildren

Grandma and Grandpa were there for wonderful moments for their grandchildren.  Baptisms, Birthdays, First Communions, Confirmations, Graduations, weddings, and parties.  They were there spreading their smile and support for all of their grandchildren.

6. The outpouring of love seen

Having gone to two of the three showings, you just saw how much Grandma affected the community.  There always seemed to be a line of well wishers, and relatives that I didn't even know before that day were there to pay their respects.  It was just amazing to see how many people were there!

The Grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa - Christmas 2007

7. Funeral mass

While that was the hardest points of the few days, it was also beautiful!  St. John's Church is majestic and can by itself take your breath away, but add a church filled with with community members, and friends of the family, it was an amazing experience!

The music by their men's choir was wonderful!  It was almost like if you closed your eyes it was like a slice of heaven!  I have had that moment twice before (in Spain a Church next to St. Francis of Loyola's home where we had Mass, and then at me wedding).  You could just imagine if heaven was even more wonderful, then you just knew that it was going to be absolutely amazing! The homily was wonderful, pointing out the
simplicity of Grandma and how being a housewife was enough for her.  There were tear and smiles as we said our goodbyes.

Grandpa, me, and Grandma before the wedding

8. Wedding

I was so blessed to have Grandma and Grandpa come to my wedding at the beginning of July!  Even the day before I wasn't sure if they would be coming.  But,  as I was heading to the back of church to 'hide' there come Grandma and Grandpa through the back door!  I was so thrilled that they came!  It was the cherry on the top for that day.  I just got my wedding pictures back, and now I treasure those photos even that much more!

9. Her voice

This is something that I still hear, especially when thinking and reflecting over Grandma.  I can hear her voice when I called her to tell them that Travis and I were engaged.  I remember her saying: "Bounce" so many times and in so many different ways.  It is something that I hope that I never forget because it was so grandma. nobody else could replicate it.

The First time that Grandma held me in the hospital

While Grandma is gone, her spirit still lives on in her children, her grandchildren, and in her great-grandchildren.  Through the years she taught us so much that we could never really totally forget Grandma.  Just remember that when you have guests over, always have a snack, and ice cream (and brownies) are always good to have on hand.

Rest in peace Grandma.  Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand!


R.I.P. Margaret Pohlman (1925 - 2013)
Obituary

Holy Week

This is the week when so many of us are reminded how blessed, and how loved we really are.  By His wounds we are healed.

Every year for the past seven or eight years of so I have had the same song in my head during this time each year.  It is a song that my 8th grade choir sang during Holy Week.  It is calls "Face the Cross" and it is about how we have to look at the cross and never turn away from it.

In my head, driving in my car, when I am doing homework it is in my head.  It is just one of those things that have stuck with me over the years that I don't think that I will ever be able to get out of my head. Finding this song on line is a  chore in itself. Because I guess it isn't a common song to have.  But I have found it, (Here) for your listening pleasure. It is just so awesome, now it didn't sound this good when my choir sang it, because let's face it, we we 8th graders.

Today is just Wednesday, and the week is only going to get better. Because let's face it, this is the best week in the church! So have a blessed and happy Holy Week :-)

The Final Moments

Have you ever been to a midnight showing of the last film of a trilogy or a series?  Have you ever bought the last book of the series that you have been reading for years?  The lead up to the last scene, the last moment is what we have been waiting for. But, when it gets there, you realize that you didn't think that it would ever come to an end.

That is how this week has been feeling for me, and I have been associating it with when I read the last Harry Potter book and when I saw the last movie.  It was the end of something that had been a part of your life for so long that you never thought that it would come to an end.

This coming Friday is my last day at the job that I have had for almost 4 years, and even though I knew that this day would come, I didn't think that it would come.  I know that sounds stupid, but, when you are somewhere for so long and you know that you are only going to be there as long as you are in college, you sometimes don't connect the two timelines together.

It is an end of an era. I thought that I was ready to say goodbye to the people that I have worked beside for 4 years.  But when I had to start doing that this past Saturday, I felt a ting of sadness. I'm read to move on, don't get me wrong, the unknown frontier is an exciting place to look at.  But it is the people that I am going to miss.  I cherish all of the moments that I have had, but it is time to move on.

God is the writer of my story.  But I can't stay stagnate, I have to keep moving, I just have to listen, to pray for his guidance on where to go to next.  He knows, I just have to let myself go and give it all up to Him.  God is great and I am just his hands and feet on this earth.

Not my will, but His be done.

Trusting in God's way

Do you ever have those times where you have so much to get done, but your mind is on one thing that you have to get it out, so you will be able to consintrate on everything else that you have to get done?

Well that is where I am right now.  Today's topic is trusting in God's way, even when you don't understand and know where he wants you to head.  Life is always crazy but God is always great.

I know that it seems nieve of me, but I always thought that people and companies cared for the people that they are around, and not the almighty bottom line.  But like the NFL things play out, and sometimes what come out of that isn't what you expect.  Sometimes it just feels like a stab in the back that you know will never change.

Now after an emotional rollar coster that I have been on this past weekend, I realize that human can always have the potential of failing you. But God will always be there for you carring you through.  Now I'm not saying that all people have suprised me.  My close friends and family have been helping me too.  But I like to quote Anne Frank: "In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart" I like keeping that mind set through life, and I know that even if one person fails me, that doesn't mean that the whole human race has failed me.

God knows what he is doing, and I am not going to change the way I feel about my faith, just to keep some things in my life.  I am not going to be Judas and turn for the money.  God is worth more than anything in this world could give me.  I just have to keep telling myself that and I will make it through.  I know that he will carry me through. 

I know

While I have no idea where I am going, and I am walking blind.  God is my blind dog walking me through,  All I need to do is trust in him and hold onto the leash.  He will guide me in my path.

Emulate the Greatest Love

LOVE!

Songs have been written about it, poems have tried to fully express it.  Plays have been written, movies have been made.  Cards exchanged, gifts given, and hearts shared.  All done just to try to fully express what is true real love.

What is true love? People have been wondering this question for ages, and we as a society are getting away from what is close to real.  The greatest love stories are the ones that get the closest to the real love, the truest love that we as humans could ever possibly know.  

What is this true love? The love that God has for His Son and the love that He has for us.  We are sinners and yet, he came to this earth to show us that despite all of the sin in the world, that we are worth fighting for.  We are worth every effort that he gives us.  We don't deserve a love like the love that he has shown us, but that is the point.  That deep of a love, we don't ever deserve it,  but that is what makes this love story so great. 

Our love.  People might say that it is impossible to even try to emulate this love.  And on one hand I would have to agree with them.  We will never be able to come close to this type of love, and we will never be able to surpass this love.  We are humans, and He is God, it is impossible to love more than He does.  But we can strive for that greatness.  We can work to have the greatest love story that strives to come close to this love that God gives us each and every day.

We all have this great love story to see what real love is.  We don't need to look to the world to learn what love is, because we have the greatest love story to strive for.  Don't worry about the ways that the world tells us to love.  

Our love stories will be something of greatness if we just strive to come close to the greatest love story that we have been given to emulate. :-)

Better than I used to be

New favorite song is by Tim McGraw - Better Than I used to be (YouTube Video). I think that it shows what true love really is.

Love isn't perfect.  You don't go into a relationship and never change, love makes you a better person. Love is something that makes you want to become a better person.  Sometimes it takes someone else to make you see that you can become that person.

True love isn't something that Hollywood can show you.  True love is something that is shown through the love that God has given all of us.  He shows us what true love really is.  It isn't something that demands something else from the other person.  True love is the opening up and loving that person unconditionally.

Humans are not perfect, sin is in the world and usually that is the road that sounds easier and more pleasing at the time.  But that pleasure is fleeting and it doesn't last.  If we open our hearts up to God and have him guide our paths, a truer and deeper love is in store.

Listen to God and he will guide you to true love, love that makes you better than you used to be :-)

Looking at Forgiveness

Today I was reminded about a part of the Our Father.  At my church's penance service we said the Our Father together. There I was being forgiven of my sins, and a part from a retreat that I had attended recently and Fr. David Mary said a part of the Our Father that really hit home. he said: "...Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against..."

What is this saying someone might ask.  I think that sometimes we say this prayer and we just hear the first part: "forgive us our trespasses." and we don't listen out for the second half.  How can we ask for forgiveness when we don't forgive others or ourselves.

I am reminded about a part in a book I read about something like this. I wish I remembered the book that it was in because it was a really powerful little excerpt.  about 3ish years ago I was having trouble forgiving myself, but it was easy to forgive others who had done me wrong.  In this book it talked about reconciliation and forgiveness.  I knew that God had forgiven me, but somehow it was still in the back of my mind always.  But this book talked about how if we know that we have been forgiven, we need to get off of out pedestals that  we have placed ourselves upon.

God is all powerful, God is merciful, God is our Father who wants nothing better from us, then our very best.  He sets our bar high, but not too high that we will never be able to reach it.  If God is the master of the universe, and we know that he has forgiven us for our past sins; saying that we can't forgive ourselves is almost like saying that we are better than God and that we should hold ourselves to a better standard.  But that isn't the case, Jesus gave us Reconciliation to make us stronger.

The retreat I recently went to I was the leader of a small group, and one of the students in the small group said something great about reconciliation and forgiveness.  "In Reconciliation, our slates aren't just washed clean. In reconciliation our slates are made stronger so that next time it will be harder to make an imprint upon them."

Forgiveness is not easy, but forgiving ourselves, and others is the only way that we can wash our slates clean, so we can make them stronger.  The battle has already been won, we just have to choose what side we want to be on.

Let go and Let God

Sometimes in life, nothing seems to want to go your way.  With every turn you make, it feels as if each one was a bad choice, or you reacted to new the wrong way.  Sometimes maybe everything seems to go the wrong way, so we are each reminded that we aren't alone in our life journey. And sometimes we have to put our faith in that, because we don't know where we are going to end up, but God does.

So when you are having a bad day/week/month just remember that sometimes we need to let go of the paths that we think are right and let God guide us down the paths that we are meant to take

Sometime you just have to be willing to listen, and hold out a hand

Goodness, where can I even start with where my thoughts are? I am just coming off one of the most inspirational weekends that I have ever had.  The Newman groups of IPFW, Trine, Manchester, Ivy Tech, and St. Francis got together for a retreat titled Navigating the Stream.  It was a coming together of so many ideas and people coming together.  But no matter who was talking, or who was behind the scenes the one person who was inspiring us and working through all of us was the Holy Spirit.

I honestly have been praying for this whole retreat for the longest time. Through times I had my own doubts that I wasn't sure how it was all going to go, but I couldn't give up.  I had an inspiration to keep going.  I could have stopped when we first thought of the retreat, I could have pulled back when I didn't know what I was really doing, but I didn't.  I feel so blessed because of how the Holy Spirit has given me the confidence to keep going, even when I don't know where I am really going.

But isn't that how life really is? We are like a person with horrible eyesight (I am picturing me without my glassed or contacts, my eyesight is horrible). I can see clearly for about a foot in front of me, after that everything just starts to fade. That is how life really is.  We know where are life is currently, but the further out we look the hazier it gets.  Only God knows, and only God can see clearly what is in our future.  We have to pray for His guidance, His grace, His understanding so we will be able to head in the right direction.  Because without His hand through our life, we are just a blind person barely able to see in past our own nose.

I wish that I could write more, but I as sadly procrastinating from the homework that I am supposed to do... So until next time!

What is truly important in life?

There is a poem that I would like to share that seems to really speak of this question.  It doesn't matter when we are born, or when we die. But what happens in the middle

The Dash
by: Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first come the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years

For that dash represented all the time
that she spent alive on earth
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
    The cars,
     the house,
     the cash,
what matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives,
life we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

-----------------------

How do we live our lives to our greatest potential? Do we squander our time? Do we waste the gifts that we have been given from God?  Life isn't about the movies that we have seen, or the cars that we have owned.  It doesn't matter how much money that we have in our bank, or how much education that we have.

What truly matters is how we impact the world for the greater, who we have loved, and who has loved us back. Life is about Family, friends, and living for God.

So next time that we have to make a decision, maybe we should be thinking about how we can better our 'dash'. Maybe the first step is to realize that we aren't just living for ourselves, but for someone greater.

Let the light of Christ shine through you in every action that you do. How else do you really want to spend your dash?

One Life to Live

So many times in our life we come upon forks in the road of our life path.  It is a daily thing that we come upon.

Should I sleep in 5 more min? Do I really need to eat that cookie? or the more serious Can I just glance over and cheat off my partner? Should I flirt back with that person? Are my actions showing dignity?

There are so many choices that we have t choose every day.  Sometimes we don't even realize that we have come upon those choices, until we are past them already.  But we have to decide to move forward.  Nothing good comes from retracing our steps and making that decision over again.  That isn't the way that we are supposed to live life. That is why we are capable to be forgiven, and told to try harder every day that we are alive.

God didn't come to this world so we could always party it up, and live the high life.  We aren't here on this earth for ourselves.  There is more to life than just us.  It doesn't really matter if we are popular, if we are the brains, if we have made poor decisions in the past, or anything.  We are here to be, at one time or another, God's hands, feet, and heart to someone here on earth.

Life is a gift.  We must remember that, it is all what we choose to do with that gift is what really matters.

So Live Life.

Holy Week

How can Lent be almost over already? It is crazy how time has gone by so quickly and I haven't realized how fast it has actually been moving.  But this is ultimately my favorite week in the church. There is such deep reverence and we go through Christ's passion.


During every Holy Week, I watch The Passion of Christ.  It reminds me what Jesus put himself through for us! He didn't have to die on the cross, but he loved us so much that he wanted us to share with him eternal life.  How crazy is that? For every single sin that ever was, he died for that.  


Our crosses in life, we think that we are hard, but Jesus is carrying so much of our own cross, and we don't even realize it.  In the Stations of the Cross book that I have, one of my favorite lines is during the second stations of Jesus takes up His Cross:

"My Jesus, LORD, I take my daily cross. I welcome the monotony that often marks my day, discomforts of all kinds, the summer's heat, the winter's cold, my disappointments, tensions, setbacks, cares.  Remind me often that in carrying my cross, I carry Yours with You. And though I bear a sliver only of Your cross, You carry all of mine, except a sliver, in return."

Whenever I read that passage, I really see me just carrying a little toothpick size of wood, while I am walking beside Christ that has this HUGE cross of lumber on his back. I want to say that I will carry more, I want to tell him that he doesn't have to carry so much, just to help me a sinner.  But he carries that cross not just for me, and not just for you.  He carried that cross for EVERYONE.  

This season makes me think of two songs that are really close to me.  The first one is "By His Wounds" by Steven Curtis Chapman, Brian Littrell, Mac Powell, Mark Hall.  The second one is a not as well known, but it was a song that I sang in 8th grade choir  during Holy Week, and it has been always stuck in my head since.  It is "Face the Cross" by: Ruth Elaine Schram and Scott Schram.  That song is just powerful for me this time of the year.  Listen to them, and think about what Jesus did for us this Holy Week.  

How can we change our lives that just might make His Cross just a bit lighter?

We each have the choice, to face the cross, and be thankful for the greatest gift we have ever been given.  Or turn away from this gift, and say that our life and our selfish desires are all what really matter. 

  

Sometimes we don't know what is best.

It is funny, I thought that I knew that.  Under a month ago I gave a talk to 8th graders about commitment for the journey, I just didn't realize that I wasn't listening to what I was saying.

In the talk I discussed how we think that we know what is best, it might seem like a perfect, a right fit, but sometimes God has a different plan for us.  We think that we finally get the two puzzle pieces together, but in the end, they don't fit.

What am I getting at you ask.

Over a month ago, I thought that I had a good plan up to graduation.  I was going to get this internship, I was going to be great helping people.  I thought that it was a perfect fit.  I thought that it was so right that I was planning my summer around something that never was promised to me. I got my cars a head of the horse, and I paid for it.  God know when to make me realize that there is more than just thinking that we know what we are doing.

Suffice it to say, today I finally heard back from the internship.  I unfortunately did not get that job.  It was given to someone else.  I think that it was the first time that I had actually opened my heart to something great, but I almost think that is what the lesson was from all of this.  I opened my heart up the the possibility of planning my future.  I have never been in that position before.  I always had a reason to hold back from something.

To be honest, it hurt. It hurt when I realized that the dream that I have been wishing and hoping for, wasn't going to come true for me.  It wasn't my story to tell.  It wasn't the path that I was supposed to take.

"When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

One door has been shut in my life today. But I am ready to have God show me that window when he thinks that I am ready for it.