Sometimes we don't know what is best.

It is funny, I thought that I knew that.  Under a month ago I gave a talk to 8th graders about commitment for the journey, I just didn't realize that I wasn't listening to what I was saying.

In the talk I discussed how we think that we know what is best, it might seem like a perfect, a right fit, but sometimes God has a different plan for us.  We think that we finally get the two puzzle pieces together, but in the end, they don't fit.

What am I getting at you ask.

Over a month ago, I thought that I had a good plan up to graduation.  I was going to get this internship, I was going to be great helping people.  I thought that it was a perfect fit.  I thought that it was so right that I was planning my summer around something that never was promised to me. I got my cars a head of the horse, and I paid for it.  God know when to make me realize that there is more than just thinking that we know what we are doing.

Suffice it to say, today I finally heard back from the internship.  I unfortunately did not get that job.  It was given to someone else.  I think that it was the first time that I had actually opened my heart to something great, but I almost think that is what the lesson was from all of this.  I opened my heart up the the possibility of planning my future.  I have never been in that position before.  I always had a reason to hold back from something.

To be honest, it hurt. It hurt when I realized that the dream that I have been wishing and hoping for, wasn't going to come true for me.  It wasn't my story to tell.  It wasn't the path that I was supposed to take.

"When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

One door has been shut in my life today. But I am ready to have God show me that window when he thinks that I am ready for it.

playing a different game

Random thought of the day:

When Life deals you a bad hand, start playing a different game. 

Just something so simple, we shouldn't complain about the horrible hand the we were dealt, we should know had to adapt

Forgiveness

So recently I have been working through a book titled: I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  While you might first think that the book is about not dating, it isn't. It is about being pure in the relationships that you have and to gain a new attitude towards romance and relationships.

It has taken me forever to get to read this book.  One of my older sister gave it to me to read over 4 years ago, and I wish that I had read it back then. But I guess that God knew that maybe right now was a better time for me to read it. (When I barely have time for homework and all of my projects....)But maybe that is what was supposed to happen.

While I work through the rest of the book I have decided to share with you, and myself, the points that really stood out to me.  I am going to start with a story that Joshua tells about a dream that he once had.  Joshua calls this dream: The Room. pages 104-107 in my book.  I don't claim any of the following story is mine, it is totally Joshua's.

"In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read 'Girls I have Liked' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

"And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

" A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.  A file names 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed'

"The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. 'Books I have read,' 'lies I have told,' 'comfort I have given,' 'jokes I have laughed at.' Some were almost hilarious in the their exactness: 'things I've yelled at my brothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'things I have done in anger,' 'things I have muttered under my breath at my parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer cards that I hoped.

"I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

"When I pulled out the file marked 'songs I have listened to' I realized the file grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but the more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

"When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

"Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: 'No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

"Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore ' People I have shared the Gospel with.' The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

"And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt starting in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know about this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

"But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

"I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

"Finally He turned and looked at my from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. HE walked over and put his arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

"Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, bagan to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!' I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there is was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

"He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how he did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said 'It is finished.'

"I stood up, and He lead me out of the room. There was no lock in its door. There were still cards to be written."

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Yes I know that was a bit long to read for a blog, but it seemed that one I had to practice my typing skills, and two that I should share that story with you all (whoever you is)

We have to remember that no matter how many times that we mess up, no matter how many mistakes that we make in our life, God is there ready to forgive us, all we have to do is ask.  Sometimes we can't forget the memories, but we have to remember that no matter how bad those regrets are in our past God is ready to forgive us.  He has already died for our sins.

He is just waiting for us. 

We have to be ready to give our burdens up. For Jesus carried the cross for our sins, he has carried the burdens.  So we can have the chance, the opportunity, and the freedom to walk straight again.

All we have to do is let go of those which are holding us back. 

Life Doesn't Wait

I think that this was one of the biggest things that I have learned through the years.  No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what you wish to happen in the future: life won't wait for you to live.  It doesn't matter if it is waiting for your crush to notice that you exist, it isn't waiting to make an impact on the world.  Life won't hold your hand through it all.

Life keeps moving even when you stop playing the game.  When I was younger we would play this game called Peanuts and it was like solitaire as a group, and we would always say time out to straighten the cards, or get something else.  But in life we don't get a time out, we just stop living, we stop moving our cards in the game, and we just decide to watch as the game keeps on going.

While sometimes it can be good to take a time out and get your breath, we can't get comfortable.  We become complacent and we stop caring.  And what type of life is that?

We can't sit around waiting for someone to notice you, we can't wait to be handed opportunities, we have to go out and find those opportunities.  Opportunities are like the pearl in an oyster, sometimes they aren't easy to find, but when you do, it is something special, something rare, and something to hold on to.

Where has time gone?

Today I was working on my senior year class schedule and it made me think of how much things have changed in the past three years.  Three years ago I was just in the last quarter in my senior year in High School.  I was in my first relationship, I was starting up my last season of track, I was looking at colleges, I was planning on moving away to Indy and going to Marion.  I was going to be either an English major or speech and hearing.  I didn't have a job, I was innocent to the real world.  But I realize that things change, people change, and we have to leave our old self behind.

We can't keep our old self .

Three years ago I wouldn't have thought of my life, when I was dreaming about the future.  I didn't see myself being a business major in marketing, working as a cashier, and still living at home.  I didn't think of being as involved on campus as I am now, I didn't think know that I would actually like my school.  I didn't see myself the way I am now.  But that is the whole thing about it.

We don't know how our future is going to be.

We can dream about it, we can think about it, but we don't actually live it until it is the present.  We never live in the future.  What really matters is the choices that we make today, the actions that we choose to act upon.

So this is turning into a ramble, but my whole point is that we don't really know what our future is going to be.  We just have to trust, pray, hope, and dream that we are making the right decisions today that will impact our future tomorrow.

We never live in the future, we can only learn from our past.

Day 1

I always start one of these things, and then after about a month or two give up.  That is why I have so many journals in my room.  But I thought that it would be fun to just share just some thought that I have every once and awhile.  Love it or hate it, I am not forcing you to read anything.

"Always keep the most important, the most important." - J. Fred Tone-

This was something that my High School Principle said at our awards dinner, my senior year.  I think that this is the only thing that totally stuck with me over these past 2 1/2 years.

I think that it means that realize what you care about and where your eithical compass is, and keep it headding in the right direction.  Maybe the right direction isn't our idea of a fun direction, but in the end we aren't on this world just for ourselves.  We need to get away from just caring about ourselves and start thinking about how our ripples affect those around us. 

What do you think J. Fred was trying to get at with this quote?